Big Black

Three Blondes

Three blondes walk into a smoke shop more stoned than Roman adulterers. They point out the biggest bong in the whole place and giggle together as it is rung up by the young male attendant. "That'll be six-hundred and forty-two dollars. Will you be paying by cash or credit? Hey where do you think you're going?"
Two of the three silently slip behind the counter then pull down the kid's pants and start sucking on his dick while the third leans over to kiss his lips with her voluptious lips and smokey breath.
Completely taken aback, the kid wakes up from his extravagant dream about being a smoke shop attendant and finds he can't get back to sleep. "Shit, shit, shit."

Lima's Duvet

Life is funny. That is why Jerry Seinfeld is a household name and why men can't get boners past middle age. I'm not a very religious person (unless you consider keepin' it lite a form of my own "conversation" with the Almighty), but I'm pretty darn sure that whoever is upstairs has a serious sense of humor. I bet homeboy is reading this as I type it and if so you know he's stoked. In four short months I've gone from having a serious knee injury and being unemployed to nailing my dream job down and making serious moves towards possibly stopping drinking during the weekday afternoons.
Why is that when your chips are down the grass on the other side always smells so much better than your shitty ass weed? Why is that every time you think you've got a hold on life it slides through your fingers like a wet flappy labia? Perhaps it's a big old joke that has been going on for centuries. I'de be amped if when everyone is kicking back in heaven, a.k.a. Rosco's Chicken and Waffles, a.k.a. Adrianna Lima's personal duvet, that we'd all be following the comedically predicable humans in their rollorcoasters of struggle back down on Earth instead of "Friends" or for God's sake, "Full House."

"Hey Moses, did you catch last week's episode of "Parker" when he stabbed his friend and then fended off a bum that attacked him with a shopping cart all in one drunken evening? It was classic."
"Shit I fuckin' missed that, I was in Lima's Duvet just kickin' back with the big guy."

I can't wait to chill with Moses, holy shit.

Exotic Birds

Girls are the type of animal that believe they are highly evolved social beings yet judge every individual they meet based solely on his or her choice of shoes. Like an exotic bird that chooses the prettiest mate insead of the one who's feathers are ruffled from avenging his brother's death. "Well you're ok because your shoes match your outfit. That guy over there, however, needs a reality check." Yea right, as if my kicks weren't fresh this bitch wasn't gona slob the knob and Jerrod needs a reality... well ok, she's got me there. Basically, if your game is so whack that the girl at the bar says something along the lines of "no thanks, your shoes are whack sucka," be glad you got out of that relationship early. You're better of with more time to yourself so you can stay at home and work on your game in front of the mirror while listening to Garth Brooks in the nude, fag. Better luck next time, try matching your kicks with your shirt, dumbass.

Pop Or Ot See

As a freelance artist I meet a ton of really eccentric people. The latest of which have been a bunch of paparazzi and low level celebrities. The combination of these people and my relationship with the whole thing is, as some trannies would say, "fantastic."

First imagine being the guy that follows around star celebs all day with a telephoto lens and high res camera. Nobody wants to be that guy. In the minds of everyone but 14 year old blonde girls with braces, you suck. Now imagine being the whacked out celebrity getting harassed by voyeurs in the bushes watching you brush your teeth as they overlook their copy of your daily itinerary. You're fucked, Britney.

Both are pretty lame situations, but luckily I have found the best end of the deal. The only perk about paparazzi is the kind of first hand footage that makes it onto the news, and I get to see it before it even airs, bOIII! Instead of coffee being dropped off at my desk for my arrival at the office, it's first hand footage of Eva Longoria getting out of rehab, or Ms. Spears showing the world what a crazy person does with her evenings. Well, to the editing!