Living in Hollywood I run into various producers and the likes on occasion, at the bar or the hospital, depending on how the night went. This past weekend I was at my local watering hole "Birds," which by the way, should be called "Unappreciative Beasts," because of course it would be much more accurate in it's description of the clientele. Anyway, I'm putting alcoholic beverages down the good 'ol gullet when a producer sitting next to me decides to kick out my stool and punch me in the face on my way down to the disease ridden floor. I arose infuriated, covered in Mike's hard lemonade, and looking to avenge myself. Before I threw my first punch I noticed he was already bandaged up and so I held back, confused and sticky from the nectar soaking through my undergarments. He said,
"I'm sorry young man, but I needed a laugh after what I saw in the office today."
"Give me one reason not to send you right back the fucking hospital asshole!" I screamed into the air surrounding our awkward silence.
"I'll do you one better, I'll buy you another faggy drink and tell you the most fucked up story you've ever heard."
I was taken aback, so as he bought me a fuzzy navel I asked what he had seen that sent him into such a desperate state that he needed to pick on smaller, less accomplished people.
"Well," he began, "this guy came in with his family today. His wife and two children came along for a television pilot pitch session. At first everything was really calm and normal, and the father was first to speak. He said,
"We're going to have this show, a real class act, here I'll show you!" And as he says this he takes off his jeans, whips out his gigantic flacid cock and smacks his daughter in the face with it. After recovering from the smack, she starts blowing her father, then as she's doing that she hikes her skirt up so that her mom can get at her pussy from behind. Her mom pulls out a cucumber and starts shoving it into her her adolecent daughters cunt."
"Holy shit! That really happened in your office?!"
"Yes, and let me finish the story, fag."
"Sorry."
"So anyway, the Dad is getting blown by his daughter who is cucumber fucking her Mom, right. At this point I'm freaking out, but the son comes over to my desk and says not to worry, the best part has "yet to come." After saying that, he picks up my letter opening knife and stabs it into his own throat, opening a huge hole in his neck, spraying blood everywhere. The son calmly walks over to the father, who takes his cock out of his daughters mouth and shoves it into his son's gaping wound and starts fucking it like he has to repopulate New Guinea. Then, while all of this is happening, the mother pulls out the cucumber, throws it at my wall, smashing a vase, which sprayed shards of glass all over me, then the mother and daughter start pissing and shitting on each other, scissor fucking each other with the shit in the middle, next to the two men, who are throwing the excess feces all over my office! Then, just when shit literally hit the fan, the Dad starts coming, and the son is coughing up his father's jizz and throwing up all over himself. After he's done, the father pulls his dick out of his dying son and looks me right in the eyes, and says, "what do you think?"
"I was so taken aback all I could say was, uhh... what do you call it?"
"Well," he said, "It's edgy with a touch of class, I call it "The Aristocrats!"
"And what did you say? That's fucking crazy right? You called security right?!"
"No, pussy, I said that it was brilliant. I said "Let's get this cleaned up and start filming right away."
"Are you serious? Who would put that on the air?"
"Fox News."
-Parker
12.10.2007
12.09.2007
The Christmas Spirit of Panhandling
Twas three weeks before Christmas and all through my town,
Mother fuckers were shopping and fucking around,
I go get a sandwich, a quick hangover meal,
Bacon egg and cheese, 2 bucks, quite a deal.
I exit the building and what do I see,
But 6 girl scouts trying to panhandle me.
I round a quick corner and cross the street fast,
If they wanted my money, they can kiss my black ass.
I thought I was free, I thought I was golden,
But then to my shock, 10 carolers rolled in.
I dodged their donations and kicked one in the shin,
Having evaded these bitches, I was sporting a grin.
"Do you hate christmas?", the cunt said to me,
I told her "I hate cunts, who want my money."
30 feet to go, my apartment in sight,
There was coal awaiting in my stocking that night.
But what to my wandering eyes did appear,
But a salvation army santa, smelling like beer.
He extended his hand, and I gave it a slap.
He showed me his bucket, I knew it was a trap.
I ran to my room and shut the door quick.
Stop asking me for money, you people make me sick.
Scrooge-
Mother fuckers were shopping and fucking around,
I go get a sandwich, a quick hangover meal,
Bacon egg and cheese, 2 bucks, quite a deal.
I exit the building and what do I see,
But 6 girl scouts trying to panhandle me.
I round a quick corner and cross the street fast,
If they wanted my money, they can kiss my black ass.
I thought I was free, I thought I was golden,
But then to my shock, 10 carolers rolled in.
I dodged their donations and kicked one in the shin,
Having evaded these bitches, I was sporting a grin.
"Do you hate christmas?", the cunt said to me,
I told her "I hate cunts, who want my money."
30 feet to go, my apartment in sight,
There was coal awaiting in my stocking that night.
But what to my wandering eyes did appear,
But a salvation army santa, smelling like beer.
He extended his hand, and I gave it a slap.
He showed me his bucket, I knew it was a trap.
I ran to my room and shut the door quick.
Stop asking me for money, you people make me sick.
Scrooge-
12.04.2007
No Effort No Money: A Legal Memorandum
Memorandum
TO: Men
FROM: Cap
DATE: December 4, 2007
RE: Dealing with Women like a Man
This memo will present an argument supporting the single man's mantra of "No effort. No money." In short, this philosophy on dealing with the opposite sex provides for the most optimal method of finding and obtaining women during your single years. The two clauses of this mantra will be explained in two separate sections. This memo assumes that the man has basic "game". Basic game meaning that you aren't a D-bag. D-bag meaning you aren't one. This memo will not address prostitution [...] today.
A. No Effort
No purposeful effort to "pick up" a female should be exercised under ANY circumstances. (emphasis added).
One might ask, why can't I attain women by purposefully seeking out their attention? The answer to this question is simple and can be summed up as: You're fucking better than that. Finding a woman should result from you having a good time in your optimal setting. In no situation should you compromise your good time for the sake of a woman's. For example, in Cap v. Long Island Slut, Plaintiff was requested by Defendant Slut to hang out with all of Slut's annoying long island friends in a remote location. Plaintiff impolitely declined to this request because it would force him to miss the open bar that he had been anxiously awaiting all week. By executing no effort, the court held that Plaintiff made the correct choice and later that night the court rewarded him with two hot asians.
B. No Money
Money shall never be spent on any non-familial girl in the form of a gift, loan, or other monetary gesture.
There is no reason to spend money when you are in the pursuit of a woman. By spending money on a woman, you have less money to spend on yourself. This is not acceptable, because you are always number one. See How to be the fuckin man by God. Always keep yourself in mind when monetary issues come up with women. A common situation is when you are in a financial and social position to buy a girl a drink. In Cap v. Stupid Bitch (SB), Cap told SB "I'm going to get a drink." SB replied "Me too." Cap replied "Great. While you're up there, you can buy me a drink." SB abided. The court ruled that by putting Cap's finances ahead of any women's and spending no money, he was awarded 2 free drinks and fellatio.
C. Conclusion
"No effort. No money." is a mantra that should be followed by all males who want to live life like a real man. The social, financial, and sexual benefits behind this doctrine are well-hidden behind societal norms. However, when applied consistently and accurately, you could quite possibly become [...] the man.
TO: Men
FROM: Cap
DATE: December 4, 2007
RE: Dealing with Women like a Man
This memo will present an argument supporting the single man's mantra of "No effort. No money." In short, this philosophy on dealing with the opposite sex provides for the most optimal method of finding and obtaining women during your single years. The two clauses of this mantra will be explained in two separate sections. This memo assumes that the man has basic "game". Basic game meaning that you aren't a D-bag. D-bag meaning you aren't one. This memo will not address prostitution [...] today.
A. No Effort
No purposeful effort to "pick up" a female should be exercised under ANY circumstances. (emphasis added).
One might ask, why can't I attain women by purposefully seeking out their attention? The answer to this question is simple and can be summed up as: You're fucking better than that. Finding a woman should result from you having a good time in your optimal setting. In no situation should you compromise your good time for the sake of a woman's. For example, in Cap v. Long Island Slut, Plaintiff was requested by Defendant Slut to hang out with all of Slut's annoying long island friends in a remote location. Plaintiff impolitely declined to this request because it would force him to miss the open bar that he had been anxiously awaiting all week. By executing no effort, the court held that Plaintiff made the correct choice and later that night the court rewarded him with two hot asians.
B. No Money
Money shall never be spent on any non-familial girl in the form of a gift, loan, or other monetary gesture.
There is no reason to spend money when you are in the pursuit of a woman. By spending money on a woman, you have less money to spend on yourself. This is not acceptable, because you are always number one. See How to be the fuckin man by God. Always keep yourself in mind when monetary issues come up with women. A common situation is when you are in a financial and social position to buy a girl a drink. In Cap v. Stupid Bitch (SB), Cap told SB "I'm going to get a drink." SB replied "Me too." Cap replied "Great. While you're up there, you can buy me a drink." SB abided. The court ruled that by putting Cap's finances ahead of any women's and spending no money, he was awarded 2 free drinks and fellatio.
C. Conclusion
"No effort. No money." is a mantra that should be followed by all males who want to live life like a real man. The social, financial, and sexual benefits behind this doctrine are well-hidden behind societal norms. However, when applied consistently and accurately, you could quite possibly become [...] the man.
12.03.2007
Away Messages, Go Away
I'm sorry...I know I'm the only person that thinks that instant messages were created by Lucifer himself. All this ridiculous subculture of language and other bullshit makes me want to puke my fucking guts up. "LOL" And those annoying fucking people who have nothing to say but have to validate themselves by trying to carry on a conversation with you? "Hey pal...what's up...you there...please talk to me." Go read a book, jerk-off!But more infuriating than the messages themselves, are away messages. I mean, it's very polite and kind of you to put up a message that says "away" or "lunch" or "fuck off," so that at least people know why you're not responding to their message at that very instant, so they don't have to go slash their unloved wrists (yet). But I absolutely swear...at no time, in no place, is it necessary to do ANY of the following things.
1. Do not put your schedule up for me to read: "Breakfast, Reading, Snack, Writing, Lunch, Class, Second Lunch, More Class, Taking a Dump, Dinner, Crying silently in the bathroom, Midnight Snack, Bed, Repeat, I LOVE MYSELF!" Hey fatty, fuck you. I mean, it's great to know that not only can you read and write, but efficiently wipe yourself. However, there's no reason for you to put your schedule up on your away message. I mean, frankly, if you're this big of a loser nobody's going to want to hang out or talk to you anyway, why would they need your schedule. People like this are such huge losers, they could put a suicide note up as their away message and nobody would know they were dead for weeks.
2. Don't give me some deep fucking quote that I don't care about: "A bird's feathers are like the wings of life soaring up so high to the sky that you feel you can spread out and praise the lord." When you do this, you sound like a retard (which is appropriate because you probably are one). I mean, first of all, I'm smarter than you. Chances are not only do I know your lame-ass quote, but a bunch more that you don't. Unless you're Kurt Vonnegut (and I know you're not because he's dead), you are not allowed to do that--you don't have that right.
3. Don't profess your love to your significant other: "I love Kimmy so much it hurts!" Seriously, stop trying to reassure yourself that you're not gay, because we all know you are. Here's a hint, maybe if you actually tell her that "you love her so much," instead of making her computer tell her, she'll stop cheating on you with your best friend (no promises, because it also might have something to do with your physical and emotional inadequacies).
In conclusion, I don't care about you or what you're doing. Now I know that when you're away from your computer you absolutely can't turn off AIM (shocking concept, I know) because Bobby Jones (the STD-ridden quarterback who's fucked the whole cheerleading squad except for you) may be checking in to see what "6th string" is up to. But for the love of Christ, if you're not there, just TURN OFF AIM. But if you really can't do that, just put up "away," because the rest of us don't care about your sad, pathetic life.
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