Away Messages, Go Away

I'm sorry...I know I'm the only person that thinks that instant messages were created by Lucifer himself. All this ridiculous subculture of language and other bullshit makes me want to puke my fucking guts up. "LOL" And those annoying fucking people who have nothing to say but have to validate themselves by trying to carry on a conversation with you? "Hey pal...what's up...you there...please talk to me." Go read a book, jerk-off!

But more infuriating than the messages themselves, are away messages. I mean, it's very polite and kind of you to put up a message that says "away" or "lunch" or "fuck off," so that at least people know why you're not responding to their message at that very instant, so they don't have to go slash their unloved wrists (yet). But I absolutely swear...at no time, in no place, is it necessary to do ANY of the following things.

1. Do not put your schedule up for me to read: "Breakfast, Reading, Snack, Writing, Lunch, Class, Second Lunch, More Class, Taking a Dump, Dinner, Crying silently in the bathroom, Midnight Snack, Bed, Repeat, I LOVE MYSELF!" Hey fatty, fuck you. I mean, it's great to know that not only can you read and write, but efficiently wipe yourself. However, there's no reason for you to put your schedule up on your away message. I mean, frankly, if you're this big of a loser nobody's going to want to hang out or talk to you anyway, why would they need your schedule. People like this are such huge losers, they could put a suicide note up as their away message and nobody would know they were dead for weeks.

2. Don't give me some deep fucking quote that I don't care about: "A bird's feathers are like the wings of life soaring up so high to the sky that you feel you can spread out and praise the lord." When you do this, you sound like a retard (which is appropriate because you probably are one). I mean, first of all, I'm smarter than you. Chances are not only do I know your lame-ass quote, but a bunch more that you don't. Unless you're Kurt Vonnegut (and I know you're not because he's dead), you are not allowed to do that--you don't have that right.

3. Don't profess your love to your significant other: "I love Kimmy so much it hurts!" Seriously, stop trying to reassure yourself that you're not gay, because we all know you are. Here's a hint, maybe if you actually tell her that "you love her so much," instead of making her computer tell her, she'll stop cheating on you with your best friend (no promises, because it also might have something to do with your physical and emotional inadequacies).

In conclusion, I don't care about you or what you're doing. Now I know that when you're away from your computer you absolutely can't turn off AIM (shocking concept, I know) because Bobby Jones (the STD-ridden quarterback who's fucked the whole cheerleading squad except for you) may be checking in to see what "6th string" is up to. But for the love of Christ, if you're not there, just TURN OFF AIM. But if you really can't do that, just put up "away," because the rest of us don't care about your sad, pathetic life.