Living in Hollywood I run into various producers and the likes on occasion, at the bar or the hospital, depending on how the night went. This past weekend I was at my local watering hole "Birds," which by the way, should be called "Unappreciative Beasts," because of course it would be much more accurate in it's description of the clientele. Anyway, I'm putting alcoholic beverages down the good 'ol gullet when a producer sitting next to me decides to kick out my stool and punch me in the face on my way down to the disease ridden floor. I arose infuriated, covered in Mike's hard lemonade, and looking to avenge myself. Before I threw my first punch I noticed he was already bandaged up and so I held back, confused and sticky from the nectar soaking through my undergarments. He said,
"I'm sorry young man, but I needed a laugh after what I saw in the office today."
"Give me one reason not to send you right back the fucking hospital asshole!" I screamed into the air surrounding our awkward silence.
"I'll do you one better, I'll buy you another faggy drink and tell you the most fucked up story you've ever heard."
I was taken aback, so as he bought me a fuzzy navel I asked what he had seen that sent him into such a desperate state that he needed to pick on smaller, less accomplished people.
"Well," he began, "this guy came in with his family today. His wife and two children came along for a television pilot pitch session. At first everything was really calm and normal, and the father was first to speak. He said,
"We're going to have this show, a real class act, here I'll show you!" And as he says this he takes off his jeans, whips out his gigantic flacid cock and smacks his daughter in the face with it. After recovering from the smack, she starts blowing her father, then as she's doing that she hikes her skirt up so that her mom can get at her pussy from behind. Her mom pulls out a cucumber and starts shoving it into her her adolecent daughters cunt."
"Holy shit! That really happened in your office?!"
"Yes, and let me finish the story, fag."
"Sorry."
"So anyway, the Dad is getting blown by his daughter who is cucumber fucking her Mom, right. At this point I'm freaking out, but the son comes over to my desk and says not to worry, the best part has "yet to come." After saying that, he picks up my letter opening knife and stabs it into his own throat, opening a huge hole in his neck, spraying blood everywhere. The son calmly walks over to the father, who takes his cock out of his daughters mouth and shoves it into his son's gaping wound and starts fucking it like he has to repopulate New Guinea. Then, while all of this is happening, the mother pulls out the cucumber, throws it at my wall, smashing a vase, which sprayed shards of glass all over me, then the mother and daughter start pissing and shitting on each other, scissor fucking each other with the shit in the middle, next to the two men, who are throwing the excess feces all over my office! Then, just when shit literally hit the fan, the Dad starts coming, and the son is coughing up his father's jizz and throwing up all over himself. After he's done, the father pulls his dick out of his dying son and looks me right in the eyes, and says, "what do you think?"
"I was so taken aback all I could say was, uhh... what do you call it?"
"Well," he said, "It's edgy with a touch of class, I call it "The Aristocrats!"
"And what did you say? That's fucking crazy right? You called security right?!"
"No, pussy, I said that it was brilliant. I said "Let's get this cleaned up and start filming right away."
"Are you serious? Who would put that on the air?"
"Fox News."
-Parker
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TYPES OF PUSSY
1. Not participating in a scary feat.
2. Smells like cabbage pussy.
3. A lion.
4. Labia heavy pussy.
5. The average ten year old.
6. Jail bait.
2. Smells like cabbage pussy.
3. A lion.
4. Labia heavy pussy.
5. The average ten year old.
6. Jail bait.
2 comments:
It’s funny you mention that family Parker. I know them. They walked into my buddy’s talent agency last week. It was a father, mother, son, daughter and dog.
The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
So my wife comes out, fully nude, with our dog’s head popping out of her vagina, just lickin it. In the meantime, I’m using my cock as a baton to beat my son with but he’s fucking his 4 year old sister with a hammer so he doesn’t really notice. My wife ends up shooting the dog out of her vagina and it lands straight up my daughter’s beaver, taking her son with it. Now the son, dog and hammer are all inside my 4 year old daughter’s pussy, so they start using the hammer to build an arc. As they’re building the arc, mom comes over to me and cuts my genitals square off with a hatchet. She takes the testicles, severes them from the shaft, and puts them in an easy bake oven. 10 minutes later, she puts sprinkles on the cupcakes and feeds them to her daughter. The daughter swallows my balls and as they make their way down her digestive system, my son carves a hole in his sister’s vaginal walls so he can grab the testicles and have rescue buoys for the arc he’s been building with the dog. Then I get pissed because I’m running around without any genitals, so I take a flamethrower to my wife, gather up all the ashes in the shape of a penis and puts that in the easy bake oven. 10 minutes later… I attach my new penis, and start pissing in my daughters mouth. The piss trickles down into her vagina and floats the arc my son’s been building for the grand finale.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Geez...this family must be making the rounds, because they called me for a meeting the other day. I must have been feeling generous, and not like crushing people's dreams that day, because I granted them the meeting. They were in my conference room that very afternoon.
So the family of four comes in with the dog. First thing that happens, is the father takes off his pants, so he's wearing a full tuxedo minus pants and underwear. He then lays his naked wife and daughter on the glass table and starts furiously fist-fucking them both. Meanwhile, the son gets up on the table and starts shitting on their faces. The mother and daughter then start making out with each other, shit covered faces and all, rolling the feces around in their mouths as they do. Then the 13-year old boy starts jacking off onto his father's face. I look to the dog, who's sitting quietly in a chair across from me (I think I have his business card somewhere). He then hops down and starts attacking the father's genitals, basically eating them off. To the father's credit, he never stopped fist fucking the girls. So by now, the son has cum all over his father's face, and the father is bleeding all over the floor (I think i still have some on my shoe). The dog then jumps up on the table and throws up the mangles genitals all over the girls, who start making out again, this time with the dog vomit being swirled in their mouths. For a big finale, which I thought was rather weak, everyone farted in unison a big "TA-DA." They then stand up and bow, shit/vomit covered faces, bleeding crotches, and an ironically unscathed son and dog. They then say to me, "we think it would be a big player on ABC Family" (at least they were looking for a television deal and not wasting my time). So I say, "what do you call this piece of shit?" And they say, "The Original Kings of Comedy!"
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