No Harm Done with Norris for President

I watched the Iowa caucuses last night. And after a good hour of sobbing on the floor, I picked myself up having seen the light. No, I haven't found God, Mike Huckabee, and I won't be voting for you. I realized that this country doesn't want change, Barack Obama. Look at who we've elected for the last eight years. It's not an articulate diplomat, or a wealthy suburbanite, Hillary Clinton. For the last eight years, our country has been lead by a shit-kicking Texas Rancher who so eloquently chokes on pretzels watching football. And we elected this man of the people, only after his father threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan. So clearly, the citizens of this country don't want Barack, Hillary, or John. What this country wants is a president who can kick ass while wearing a jean vest, holding two semi-automatic weapons and standing in front of a massive American Flag at all times.

Oh, hello Chuck Norris. Didn't see you there. Oh wait, yes I did. You were standing behind Mike Huckabee as his number one supporter! It wasn't Madeline Albright, or a host of Union leaders, no. It was Walker, Texas Ranger. This is the exact moment that I had the revelation. People aren't voting for you, Mike Huckabee, they're voting for Chuck Norris. Because the majority of the public says "Hey, if Chuck Norris likes Mike Huckabee, and I like Chuck Norris, I must like Mike Huckabee!" Now I realize I'm probably giving the logic skills of the American public too much credit. To bring the scenario more into reality, let's say that the person who said that was lying in a La-Z-Boy in his tightie whities, drinking a PBR, burping. And as soon as he deduces his love for Mike Huckabee, he farts, while eating a TV dinner. There. That's better.

But I have to say, I'm in favor of Norris for President. In fact, I propose that Chuck Norris make me his Chief of Staff. Allow me to lay out the Norris agenda for the first hundred days:

1. Kill anyone who ever voted for a democrat or non-republican, thereby destroying the need for partisan politics.
2. Now that everyone who would oppose is dead, get rid of all public programs except for those that help the very rich. In fact, let's just kill all the poor people (if they weren't already killed by item 1).
3. Parachute into Iraq with a big American Flag cape. Shoot a barrage of bullets into the crowd until all enemies are eradicated.
4. Repeat number 3 in Afghanistan, Venezuela, Cuba, and North Korea.
5. Declare science to be "passe," and make the bible the only book available for sale.

Once all this is accomplished, we can live in this Norris Utopia. So forget Barack and Hillary, Mitt and John...elect Chuck Norris! Because this country is all about choice...and why shouldn't we elect an action hero actor with no real experience in politics to lead our country? What do you think Arnold?