Hell Date

So I've never been on a blind date before, until yesterday. Winging for a friend of mine who just met a girl and insisted on making it a double date, we met two girls for drinks. Obviously, I didn't pay for any of her shit. I took one look at my "date," who was not hot, and really wanted to abort the mission early on. So not to be a complete dick, I figured I'd engage in some light conversation with her. I was going to be spending at least another hour with them until I formulated my escape plan, and friendly conversation is always pleasant. Unless the girl you are talking to has a horrible Jersey accent and the intelligence of a farm animal. Here is what our conversation consisted of: (I am C, she is B...for Bitch)

C: So what do you do Melissa?
B: It's Alyssa
C: Close enough.

(awkward silence)

C: Seriously though, what do you do?
B: I'm a yaegermeister girl.
C: So you wear slutty clothing and hand out shots?
B: No, we're classy, we wear pants.
C: I didn't know pants were classy. (Internal monlogue - Are you sure they don't just make you wear pants b/c your legs look terrible)
B: (laughs)
C: Do you do anything else? That can't be your only job.
B: I work for an export company.
C: What do you export, bodies?
B: Hardwood flooring.
C: Wow. That's great. I bet there is a huge market for that.
B: There is actually.
C: Great.

And that's when I aborted. I actually ended up meeting a real cute girl while my "date" watched me. I win.

Cholo Cut You

For no reason at all, my friend knocked over a bum's shopping cart last night. Which was empty, but woke his ass up like a job interview. He charges us, screaming obscenities as the cart picks up speed. Motherfuckers! Bahh! My friend wasn't even paying attention at this point, I should have let the bum cut block him with some help from Ralph's, but I intercepted the play instead, hoping the psycho wasn't packing a knife. It went well in the end for us, and the next day I shot this little ditty of me explaining to my friend how I also sort of stabbed him earlier in the evening.

Inconsiderate Parkers

You know what really burns my ass? Inconsiderate parkers. I'm not talking about one of our esteemed blog contributors (although, seriously dude, you need to start showering), I'm talking about assholes who think they own the street and can park wherever they want, taking up as many spaces as their ugly fucking car will permit.

Many of you want to know what I'm talking about. Well, when a person parks their car in a parallel spot where there are only so many spots available, it's very nice and very courteous for that person to pull up as close to the front of the space as possible. That way, people can park behind them and so on and so on. Inconsiderate parkers are big, fat jerk-offs who just pull their white Cadillacs up into the middle of the curb, taking up two spaces, so that nobody else can park. They're inconsiderate fuck faces.

Now you're saying to yourselves, "Hey Mike, have you gone off the deep end? Who cares about parking?" Rebuttal? Hey fuck you asshole. Maybe if you also lived in a major metropolitan city instead of some shit-hole in backwoods Pennsylvania (that's right, I said it), you'd know what I'm talking about. Let me bring this down to your level: Imagine you were on your way home to bang that ugly specimen that you call a woman waiting for you at your shack. You get to your street, and it's full. There's nowhere to park. Then you see a spot. You pull into it, finish your PBR and your third Big Mac, and get ready to go inside to see if your "woman" has decided to shower this week. You get out of the car and realize you're blocking a driveway. Why? How can this be? After all, you're in a spot! Then you see that the car in front of you could have pulled up an extra 5 feet, but decided instead to just park wherever he damn-well pleased, so that you couldn't park! Now you have to park 3 miles away because some demonic cock-sucker decided he was in too much of a rush (probably to go bang your girlfriend) to pull up a few feet!

These people are assholes. HUGE assholes. This shit needs to stop. If you don't start parking like a normal human being, and having a little more consideration for someone other than yourself, I'm going to go ape-shit. And I think we can all agree that that's not good for anyone.

The Exorcism of Britney Spears

Last week we filmed in Valencia, and I just finished editing this video for National Lampoon, check it out!

Bum-tastic

The one thing that I will always adore is the bum trying hard not to try hard. Boy oh boy I wish I was as enthusiastic about not doing anything as bums are. They really have it down. Imagine the average thing that you put off or procrastinate around. Perhaps it is signing some paperwork, doing your homework, or feeding the dog. These guys literally took it to the next level by putting off having to have things to put off. Spectacular.

I'm extremely jealous of how lite bums keep it. Maybe one week this month I will keep it as lite as a bum. I won't shower, shave, or work on anything harder than sitting down. The hardest thing I might have to do is shake a cup with change in it, hoping for more change to be dropped in by passerby, and that'll be PUSHING it.

I'm not going to be the kind of bum that collects cans, or has a sideshow act like playing the trumpet or drums. I'm going to be the kind of bum that is so haggard and lazy that he just lays across the sidewalk, sleeping directly in the path of hard working individuals on their way to work hard somewhere. Maybe my extreme bum-ness will influence other people to also become bums as I have, but I'm not going to try hard at that. Holy bum this is going to be awesome.

No Harm Done with Norris for President

I watched the Iowa caucuses last night. And after a good hour of sobbing on the floor, I picked myself up having seen the light. No, I haven't found God, Mike Huckabee, and I won't be voting for you. I realized that this country doesn't want change, Barack Obama. Look at who we've elected for the last eight years. It's not an articulate diplomat, or a wealthy suburbanite, Hillary Clinton. For the last eight years, our country has been lead by a shit-kicking Texas Rancher who so eloquently chokes on pretzels watching football. And we elected this man of the people, only after his father threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan. So clearly, the citizens of this country don't want Barack, Hillary, or John. What this country wants is a president who can kick ass while wearing a jean vest, holding two semi-automatic weapons and standing in front of a massive American Flag at all times.

Oh, hello Chuck Norris. Didn't see you there. Oh wait, yes I did. You were standing behind Mike Huckabee as his number one supporter! It wasn't Madeline Albright, or a host of Union leaders, no. It was Walker, Texas Ranger. This is the exact moment that I had the revelation. People aren't voting for you, Mike Huckabee, they're voting for Chuck Norris. Because the majority of the public says "Hey, if Chuck Norris likes Mike Huckabee, and I like Chuck Norris, I must like Mike Huckabee!" Now I realize I'm probably giving the logic skills of the American public too much credit. To bring the scenario more into reality, let's say that the person who said that was lying in a La-Z-Boy in his tightie whities, drinking a PBR, burping. And as soon as he deduces his love for Mike Huckabee, he farts, while eating a TV dinner. There. That's better.

But I have to say, I'm in favor of Norris for President. In fact, I propose that Chuck Norris make me his Chief of Staff. Allow me to lay out the Norris agenda for the first hundred days:

1. Kill anyone who ever voted for a democrat or non-republican, thereby destroying the need for partisan politics.
2. Now that everyone who would oppose is dead, get rid of all public programs except for those that help the very rich. In fact, let's just kill all the poor people (if they weren't already killed by item 1).
3. Parachute into Iraq with a big American Flag cape. Shoot a barrage of bullets into the crowd until all enemies are eradicated.
4. Repeat number 3 in Afghanistan, Venezuela, Cuba, and North Korea.
5. Declare science to be "passe," and make the bible the only book available for sale.

Once all this is accomplished, we can live in this Norris Utopia. So forget Barack and Hillary, Mitt and John...elect Chuck Norris! Because this country is all about choice...and why shouldn't we elect an action hero actor with no real experience in politics to lead our country? What do you think Arnold?