What's Up Dude?

This morning I woke up, hit the snooze for an hour, pissed, ate, dressed and walked out the front door of my building when a black guy dressed up as a woman waved at me. I waved back and replied, "What's up dude," which I thought was appropriate. He spun around exhalted, whipping his false lengths of dirty blonde hair up in the air, and walked away. Just thought I'de tell you. Thought you might get a giggle out of men dressing up as women but still being recognizable as men and having other men call them out on it. Because I sure laughed this morning. I should switch from coffee to pissing of trannies. That's what gets me goin' in the mornin'. "Hey HONEY! HOW MUCH YOU BENCH?!"

Modern Day Jesus

This video is hilarious, 'nuf said.

Let Me Borrow That Top

This guy is actually pretty funny, you may know him from his hit "Let's get some shoes" that has apparently opened many doors, because here is his new track's music video that's laden with stars entitled "Let me borrow that top." Chiggity check it before you wreck it -

Woodcock-Johnson is No Laughing Matter

So if you're from California (which I'm not hence this is news to me), you've undoubtedly taken a Woodcock-Johnson at some point in your life. Chances are, you took your first Woodcock-Johnson somewhere around 4th grade, and took at least one every year until you graduated high school, at which point you really started getting fucked. I'm talking, of course, about the Woodcock-Johnson Aptitude Test.
Now not being from a state that would allow such ridiculousness to occur (holla big jerze), I didn't believe my colleague who told me about the Woodcock-Johnson. "There's no way such a test exists," I said. How could two grown adults with such hilarious names (especially when placed together) come up with a test and possibly think that naming it after themselves was a good idea? Now, to their credit, these names do carry a bit of what I like to call, "Captain Planet Syndrome." Apart, like the characters in the show, these names are harmless and relatively worthless. Together, however, they create a world of hurt in which anyone would be brought to their knees (with laughter you sick fucks). I did some digging, and after being directed to 7 or so different porn sites, found out that the Woodcock-Johnson Aptitude Test is, in fact, real. No wonder test scores are so shitty here! Students spend the entire allotted time laughing and drawing inappropriate illustrations on the front of their test books, instead of feeling the full effect of the Woodcock-Johnson!
My mind was racing. How could this be? Is it possible that a person named Woodcock and a person named Johnson worked in the same field, studied the same materials, and found each other to form a team? Clearly the answer to this is a resounding yes--a yes that's so big, you really can't miss it. Which leads me to the next and yet unanswered question, did these two people honestly think that they can write a long, hard test, name it the Woodcock-Johnson and expect people not to find this slightly mind-boggling? Are these two people such freaking drips that they didn't even notice that together their names sound less like a test for 5th graders, and more like a triple X porno? Be truthful, how many of you out there purchased the Woodcock-Johnson Home Video and thought you were going to see the entire cast of "Busty Cops 3?" I'm sure you were very disappointed to have ordered a home study guide for an aptitude test; but hey, whatever gets you off, right?
I intend to find out more about this Woodcock-Johnson. I must get to the bottom of who these people are, why they decided to make a test (moreover why it was implemented without a name change), and whether or not these two goons were totally high when they submit it for approval. But for now, we'll have to make do with our limited information, and idly stand by as our nation has trouble taking the long, hard, Woodcock-Johnson.

Don't Tase Me Bro!

Video of police tasering a persistent questioner of Senator John Kerry became an internet and TV sensation yesterday, generating fierce debate about free speech and the motives of the college student involved - a known prankster who often posts practical jokes online. The student, Andrew Meyer, 21, was asking probing questions about why Kerry had opted out of the presidential race and wondered if he and Bush were part of the same secret society while enrolled together at Yale. Basically the freakin' kid got tasered in front of everyone and nobody did anything, not even Kerry. Take a look, it's hilarious. Don't tase me bro!

You Might Know Him

This fucker wakes me up every god damn morning. 8 o'clock on the dot, every freaking day. I smack him as hard as I can, but no matter what he's fucking screaming at me five minutes later. I hate getting up and he's always trying his hardest to make me do just that. But I gotta love him for it because I wouldn't have a job by now if it wasn't for him. He's got a great taste in music and is dependable, so I keep him in my loop. Good looking too, very sleek, always styled. Pimp as hell, I know hundreds of girls that have him in their bedrooms. He's a good dude, but I don't take him on vacation with me, because nobody wants an alarm clock on vacation. Fucking alarm clock. Haha.

Nerd Dork Geek

What is the difference between a nerd, a dork and a geek? This question has been under debate for the past several decades and I am here to set the record straight. See people do not understand the subtle difference between these terms or realize the consequences of using them incorrectly. You would not call a girl a guy or a porn star a hooker and so you shouldn't call a nerd a dork. I am a nerd. Yup I nerd it up all the time. But what I DO NOT EVER DO is geek or dork it up. No sir that some shit I will not inhale. So here is the break down so if anybody ever calls me a dork or geek ever again I will be forced to strap them to a chair and make them watch all 17 seasons of Star Trek.

Genus:Nerd
Description: Enjoys video games, computers, science, star wars, various sci-fi shows/movies and learning. The nerd has been know to party and for the most part nerds show no real outward signs of dorkage or geekage. Nerds can be found in every profession and every part of the world. Most nerd do not even realize they are nerds but the best and most current calculations put the nerd population at about 20%.

Genus:Dork
Description: Enjoys my of the same things as a nerd but are much more fanatical about it. Dorks have been know to spend days and nights on their computers playing computer games and watch lord of the rings ritualistically. They rarely party and travel in packs. When threatened they tend to scatter. Recent studies have shown a genetic link between dorks and impotency.

Genus:Geek
Description: They suck. Geeks are basically dorks but they are assholes about it. They think they are smarter than everyone else and look like bungholes most of the time. They work in small groups to try and maximize ass kissing potential. They have the ability to ruin wet dreams and squash any conversation. If you come in contact with a geek you should take a full shower within 30 minutes or risk being infected.

I am glad I had this opportunity to clear this issue up. Now when you see a geek you will know exactly what to do.....tie it to a tree and put honey on its face.

Tripped Out Crackies

I ride my bike around at night in Los Angeles. I watch tourists, performers, and crackheads mingle in this pseudo-reality known as Hollywood. On the off chance that a cracky found some acid you might catch an interesting side-show. Who knows. Was that Eva Longoria? Maybe. Does whistling from a hydrolic enabled low-rider at pedestrians count as courtship? Yes.
The question is, my friend, what will it take to become one of these side show freaks that spends their evenings among the touristas? And the answer is simple muchacho. A Casio keyboard.
My next door neighbor's ex-girlfriend left behind a big ass old school Casio that I have been jamming the fuck out on recently. For some reason, even though I have very little to no musical talent, I'm a regular Tiesto on this thing. For the past week or so I have been nonstop beatmaking, guitar riffing, banjo plucking and special effect washing song after song. I can't record them yet, but I intend to take my act to the streets with some acoustic guitar help from my friend Wes. We're gona blow these tripped out crackhead's minds, I can't wait.

Telemarketers

Me: "Hello"
X: "Hi, Mr. Harmer?"
Me: "Yes?"
X: "How's your day going?"
Me: "Uhh...pretty good. Who is this?"
X: "It's Sally from the Sloman's Shield"
Me: "Sweet. That's exactly what my apartment needs. The 15 peripheral cameras and 4 deadbolts definitely weren't enough, especially in a town that only had 3 crimes last year. Thanks Sally from the Sloman's Shield!!"

Well, I didn't say that last line...but I was definitely thinking it. Ever since I moved into my new apartment, I've been called by more telemarketers than you could ever imagine. We're talking 3 to 4 calls A DAY. I know the people who call probably hate their life and job, so I'm always polite with them and just hang up. However, I'd like to know 2 things. 1) Do people actually buy things from Telemarketers? and 2) If so, who are these people? I mean, honestly, do you really expect me to get baited by your inquiry as to how my day's going and then go on to purchase a security system?! The only way I would buy your stupid security system is if it had a feature to prevent you from calling me ever again. OK...lets assume that there is a person that might buy something over the phone. For analysis purposes, lets call him Asshole. Asshole has really been wanting to donate to America's Necrophiliacs-United Society (ANUS). So ANUS calls Asshole asking him to donate, but its 6 p.m. and Asshole is about to eat dinner, and Asshole hates it when ANUS calls and interupts dinner, so Asshole hangs up immediately like an asshole. Last time I checked, "tele-marketing" includes the word "marketing," and calling people during dinner is horrible marketing, or maybe I'm just the asshole.

Going to the Beach Not Just Sand and Waves

I was at the beach the other day. In fact, I go to the beach quite a bit. It's fantastic to sit on the beautiful sandy shores, look out at the oil tankers that litter the horizon, and listen to the melodic sound of jets taking flight from the scenic LAX. But the other day, I saw something really quite disgusting. More so than rusty gates buried under sand. More so than gross hypodermics washing up to my feet. I was leaving with some friends (because, really, how much beauty can one take in one day?), and preparing to rinse my feet at the showers. There were throngs of fat people trying to take a shower (probably the first they've taken in weeks). I know what you're saying: "Mike, I've seen you in a bathing suit plenty of times, and you see yourself in the mirror every morning, surely this isn't what you were so grossed out about?" Well you're right, it wasn't. Wading in the ankle deep filth, I saw a young girl aged maybe 13 or 14 douching herself like there was no tomorrow. Now I understand that at Venice Beach, you're likely to not find the model of social grace and the débutante lifestyle, but here was this young girl, who apparently had never heard of a douche bag (see illustration) besides those jerk-offs she's been dating lately. She got down into the filthy water, positioned herself in front of the foot cleaner (gross enough to begin with), opened her bikini front and wiped like there was no tomorrow. Now, as if this wasn't vulgar enough, she then turned around and did the same thing with her asshole (and I'm not talking about her father). This was one of the grossest things I think I've ever seen. Can you not wait until you get home? I'm sure you've had much worse in your vagina than a few grains of sand, you raunchy 15 year old. Next time you think, "how will I ever get home without douching myself in public, grossing everyone out, and possibly contracting a few VDs (nothing new for you, I know)?" I suggest you take a look around, and realize that nobody wants to see you clean yourself you stank-snatched ho, at least not in public. Don't ruin the scenery, I have oil tankers to relax with.

Hollyhood

Most people think that Hollywood is just all glitz and glamour. Celebrities and money. Hummers and BJ's. Well, as a newly appointed local of Hollywood I can tell you that those people are dead-on correct in their assumptions. In this case, an ass is made of nobody. If you think you'll happen to walk upon a film set just because you're cruising along Hollywood Blvd. on your skateboard, you're right. If you think you'll bump into the guy that did the "Truffle Shuffle" in the Goonies on Franklin avenue occaisonally, you're also correct. And if you think that Tim Meadows, known for "The Ladies Man" on SNL, just cruises up to the local comedy shop for shows, then by golly man you've got the Hollywood mindset down pat. Which brings me to my next point. Why the fuck does everyone freak their shit when they see these people? I'll admit that if I meet Jessica Alba in person I might sport a tent, but drooling over some celebrity while their selecting their favorite cheese is just weird. Weird like comedy. Celebrities are regarded on high in this town and abroad, but not in my book. Their really just actors, actresses and models. Most of them are too retarded to handle their own business, or act as healthy parents and here we are giving them money for it. Good job Britney, you really fucked that up, here's a load of cash.

How to Effectively Not Work While Working

I was recently hired as a "technical services specialist" under the work/study program at my law school. For those who don't know what a work/study position is, you bascially choose from a variety of jobs that require minimal amounts of effort. And by minimal, I mean no effort at all. After going through a lengthy and comletely unnecessary interview that discussed all of my previous employment history and career aspirations, I was hired into this position. Let me break down what is required of me. 1) Sit at a sweet podium in a foreign language computer lab, 2)Enforce the "no food or drink" policy (which I obviously don't do...I'm currently eating and drinking in the lab), and 3)When a student asks where to sign in for their appropriate class, I raise my arm to the left and point at the notebook entitled "Sign-In." That is all I have to do, and let me tell you, it is way too fucking much to ask of me...so I've figured out how to beat the system. This is how I've done it.

-I come in 45 minutes late every day. I know my boss doesn't know my hours, so I write down that I was on time.
-My boss sits in an office adjacent to the computer lab. He rarely gets up and can't see me from where his desk is. So every 30 minutes, I leave my podium but leave tons of books and papers on the table to make it look like I'm doing something important. I actually just got back from a 2 1/2 hour lunch break. (My shift is only 4 hours).
-I made a huge sign that directs students to the sign-in sheet, because I was tired of pointing to it.
-I have premade excuses in case he ever asks where I was (i.e. I was in the bathroom, I was helping someone create a username in the campus center, etc.)
-I patronize my boss, so he feels like he should be honored to have me working for him. This prevents him from trying to tell me what to do.

I get paid 10 dollars an hour for this shit, so to all of you New Jersey tax payers....thank you.