Going to the Beach Not Just Sand and Waves

I was at the beach the other day. In fact, I go to the beach quite a bit. It's fantastic to sit on the beautiful sandy shores, look out at the oil tankers that litter the horizon, and listen to the melodic sound of jets taking flight from the scenic LAX. But the other day, I saw something really quite disgusting. More so than rusty gates buried under sand. More so than gross hypodermics washing up to my feet. I was leaving with some friends (because, really, how much beauty can one take in one day?), and preparing to rinse my feet at the showers. There were throngs of fat people trying to take a shower (probably the first they've taken in weeks). I know what you're saying: "Mike, I've seen you in a bathing suit plenty of times, and you see yourself in the mirror every morning, surely this isn't what you were so grossed out about?" Well you're right, it wasn't. Wading in the ankle deep filth, I saw a young girl aged maybe 13 or 14 douching herself like there was no tomorrow. Now I understand that at Venice Beach, you're likely to not find the model of social grace and the débutante lifestyle, but here was this young girl, who apparently had never heard of a douche bag (see illustration) besides those jerk-offs she's been dating lately. She got down into the filthy water, positioned herself in front of the foot cleaner (gross enough to begin with), opened her bikini front and wiped like there was no tomorrow. Now, as if this wasn't vulgar enough, she then turned around and did the same thing with her asshole (and I'm not talking about her father). This was one of the grossest things I think I've ever seen. Can you not wait until you get home? I'm sure you've had much worse in your vagina than a few grains of sand, you raunchy 15 year old. Next time you think, "how will I ever get home without douching myself in public, grossing everyone out, and possibly contracting a few VDs (nothing new for you, I know)?" I suggest you take a look around, and realize that nobody wants to see you clean yourself you stank-snatched ho, at least not in public. Don't ruin the scenery, I have oil tankers to relax with.