Lines

Everyone knows those places where the happiest and most friendly people go to relax and congregate. And none of these places are trainstations, malls, subways, bus terminals, terminals of any kind, lines of any kind, and you can't forget airports. It amazes me that places intended to progress the human race seem to magically produce some of the worst attitudes in people. One minute a family is linking arms sporting fanny packs ready for their annual trip to disney world and the next minute, you're watching their overweight father cursing at a Burger King manager about his flight delay. But unlike Burger King, you can't have it your way in one of these situations because you're helpless. There's something about standing in line that just pisses me off. Here's what happened in the last two lines I was in:
1) Grocery store line - the "loud breather" - This fatass was standing very close behind me and breathing like he had half a lung. If you're gonna breathe that loud, at least have the courtesy to direct it somewhere other than the back of my neck.
2)DMV Line - the "unnecessary small talker" - The DMV is a great place to meet people. After standing in several lines and feeling like I won the lottery when they called my number, I stood behind some ugly lady who turned around and said "Wow, what a nice day outside. Did you do anything fun today?" Sorry, but I didn't remember talking to you, and second, it's 10 a.m. and I've been in line for 2 hours. So yeah, I did a lot of fun things today, bitch.

Fuck you lines.

Artists Starving to Death

Deceased Californian artists are being found in back alleys, on the beach and in the middle of downtown streets in large numbers. Lack of interest in their introspective artwork is chief among possible causes of death. Most believe that these starving artists just, well, starved. About the recently deceased man laying in a nearby gutter, this local said that "his work was genius, a true artist. But honestly, I would rather just buy a fresh pair of kicks or go to the movies than purchase his stuff." General audiences feel the same way, as a tourist was recently overheard saying that "it's good artwork, but I just don't care. Plus, they smell funny and dress like bums. I want to buy artwork from people that don't look like they're starving, thank you." When confronted about his thinning physique, a local artist replied, "yea, I'm starving and these people don't even care. They would rather jerk off to Jason Bourne than intellectually stimulate their minds. Gosh I'm hungry." Sucks for you, artist.

Local Dog licks own vagina

Female scientists were appalled today when, Wedgie, a two year old pitbull licked her own vagina on the first try. The leading doctor on the team of researchers said that "women have been trying to do this for years and we are currently looking into how she does it, exactly." A select few humans have been able to accomplish the much saught after feat, including Korean contortionist Yu Lin. "I stretched for years, urning for the day I could [chomp my own box]. I remember it like it was this morning. Oh wait, that's because I did it again during breakfast today. Mmm." Greenwich High School football coach Steve Bristol told this reporter that he hoped the research team would come up with something, and fast. "My wife refuses to shower, and I would love to give her a taste of her own medicine, if you know what I mean." Here's hoping Steve, here's hoping.

Parents Need to Wash Consciences, Not Mouths

Has anyone ever thought about how seriously fucked-up this is? You take a bar of what used to be made of whale fat (and God knows what it's made of now) that people use to wash their balls with and shove it into your child's mouth? What kind of sick, twisted world do we live in when parents can do this and not get hauled away to prison? Tell you what, parents, next time you do something dirty like bang the babysitter or the gardener, I'll fart in your mouth and we'll see how you like it. Sadly that would probably be a hell of a lot cleaner than that disgusting bar of "cleanser" you use every morning in the shower. And why do we engage in this practice, might I ask? Because your son or daughter said "doody," I suppose. What kind of message does that send? It's OK for mommy to wash your mouth with soap, but you can't refer to the matter that happens to be covering it? It's OK for daddy to down 3 bottles of whiskey over the course of the day, but you can't have fun with your friends on a Friday night saying cuss words? Next time you sick bastards want to wash your kids mouths out with soap, I'll remind you to take a look at not only the disgusting pubic hair that's on the soap, but also at yourselves...maybe you should be washing more than your kids mouths.

Man Takes of Photo Man Take

Scientists were baffled this past Monday when a common man revealed that all of Einstein's findings, anything Stephen Hawking has ever said, and life as we know it is completely ass backwards and wrong. Using a simple digital camera and a black hole found in his attic, John from Chicago stunned the world. No optical trickery, illusions or LSD were used to produce this image. John has found a gateway into other worlds where there are other Johns looking right back with similar cameras, confused faces, and the same visual deficiencies. The other John from the side other issued a statement in a foreign tongue that stumped our best translator, Miguel. "Me have no clue what he says, no." Even local Scientologists were taken aback, which, given that they believe in a science fiction author's incessant ranting, is also odd. I hope the world isn't going to end soon because I would totally owe that homeless guy the twenty bucks I bet him he was wrong. Well, here's hoping.

Peanut Butter files for divorce from Jelly

After decades of marriage to Jelly, Peanut Butter was caught last week sandwiched between two pieces of bread with a newly ripened banana, local deli customers say. Jelly was infuriated by the ordeal, and looked lonely sitting in the refrigerator next to the sexually permiscuous Purple Stuff and Sunny D. Distraught by the news, Jelly assured this reporter that "he'll be back." It doesn't look like Peanut Butter will be spreading back into her arms anytime soon though, as he has just filed for divorce from the berry blend. Banana was not available for comment, but has been seen shopping in the bread isle with her new buttery spread for seven grain, whole wheat, and of course, white. Neighbors complain Banana is rarely wearing her protective peel, and listens to Gwen Stefani at much too high of a decible for comfort. "It's just so sad," said a local boy who has eaten the famed "P-B-and J" sandwich for the last three lunches. "My mom used to cut them diagonally, and now, well, I guess she still can." Known for fraternizing with milkshakes and ice-cream, this isn't the first marriage Banana has broken and it doesn't look like it will be the last. I guess that her shit is bananas, b.a.n.a.n.a.s.

You enjoy it rough, sandpaper.

For the past forty some odd years sandpaper has been rough around the edges, the middle, yet surprisingly not the other side. Ranging in grittyness is just one of many skills that sandpaper has acquired over its lifespan. Other areas of interest include battling splinters and buffing your kitten's plaything last Saturday night when everyone else was out drinking. Sandpaper neglected to comment on its other side, but has been overheard calling it "soft." When interviewed, the other side said that the rough side was "an inconsiderate dick", and had recently left a rash on his brand new sneakers. These inseperable objects better stop bickering and get back to work.

Hospitals Don't Really Matter

LOS ANGELES (AP) -
"Federal regulators said Friday they're pulling $200 million in funding from a troubled hospital that serves the inner-city poor, condemning the facility to almost certain death." Officials stated that "conditions at the facility have placed the health and safety of patients at great risk," apparently more risk than trying to borrow a siringe for an intra-veinous medical drip from "G-Slice," a neighborhood crackhead.

When interviewed, G-Slice stated "At least I'm tryin' to help, shit. Say homey, you want to let me borrow that microphone for a second? I be right back, I be right back, I just got to, uh... record some shit! Give it to me!"

When asked where the 200 million will be transferred to, the federalis had no comment. This reporter, however, knows that anyone living in Los Angeles can see the billboards for half-ass feature films, television series, and consumer driven products are steadily growing larger by the day. This new federal regulation by federal regulators shows the world exactly where American mouths are, because our money is wrapped around every celebrity penis and/or vagina on the market. Mmm, only if that were true in the literal sense I think I can speak for my country when I say that I would pay extra to make sure that hospital stayed closed.

Umbrella says "Oh rain, why aren't you flavored? Gosh you're bland."

Oh umbrella, you are so useful. Especially at a party dedicated to wearing crazy hats, you still provide great flair. Oh umbrella at the hat party, do you feel left out? Let's take a photo. There, do you feel more useful? Great. That's great. Hey you sexy umbrella, what are you doing after this? We should get up and find ourselves a drain to stand under. Not classy enough? Damn umbrella, what do you think this is? Fine, we'll play in a fountain, jeez. Freakin' umbrella-ella-ella-ella, eh, eh, eh.

I can't believe they let me do this

So apparently they allow people to just go freakin' nuts on any old blog page anywhere in the entire world, and they made the mistake of allowing me to do so as well. Gotta love them internets. This is my first post on Weird Comedy! I should celebrate by smelling my own fart, *sniff*, mmmm. This is going to be fun.